Tae a Meerkat

One of the fascinating features of reciting or singing Robert Burns' poetry or songs, is the look of confusion on the faces of the (normally English) audiences when faced with Burns' language. Since we often do recitals/talks on Burns in order to promote our CD of love songs,  Burns, Banks and Braes,  we are used to the bemused looks, even if, as in "Tae a Mouse" there are large sections of standard English. 

For this reason, before I relate "Tae a Meerkat", it is probably best if I outline a little about the background, for the benefit of those outside the UK who don't have  our TV adverts over here. There is a long standing advertising campaign, here where Meerkats, wearing clothes, and speaking in Russian accents, are confused about the differences between  comparethemeerkat.com and comparethemarket.com If you go on to Youtube and enter "compare" and "Meerkat" you'll see lots of examples.

Anyway, if Burns were alive today, he would probably be annoyed at the injustice of having these Meerkats having to move from Africa to central Europe to advertise a web site. And his poem would probably go like this

Tae a Meerkat

Oh Meerkat are you nae aware noo
Wi' what they TV folks compare you?
And does it never ever scare you,
How you are seen?
A furry Russian creature
On the screen

Oh meerkat you would never roam
Sae many miles away from home
A' dressed up like a garden gnome,
It's just no joke
So sair abused - enough tae
Make you boke

But meerkat hear noo whit I say
They TV men will rue this day
I've called the R.S.P.C.A,
Wi' all their sources
Wait till they feel the weight
O'  meerkat forces!

Hardly worth waiting for, was it?

Merchandising

On the 21st July 1796, Robert Burns, at the age of 37, died in Dumfries, Scotland, in abject poverty. In fact, his friends had to club together, to pay the funeral costs. Yet today, it is believed that his legacy contributes £200 million, each year to the Scottish economy. For a man, so opposed to injustice, that is certainly, the final injustice.

Now, if he were around today, his life could  probably be turned around by one four letter word - merchandising. Yeah I know it's a four syllable word, rather than a four letter word, but readers pay more attention when you tell them that you're going to use a four letter word. And certainly, a good merchandising manager would probably make a huge difference to the prosperity of Robert Burns. He would be a bit confused by the fact that his poems and songs were unlikely to make much money, but the merchandising of Robert Burns could make him a fortune, but once he saw the potential he would be convinced.

Holy Willie Prayer Mats, together with Mountain Daisy perfume and after shave would make a good start. "I love Rabbie" T-shirts could generate a fortune, even if they were only purchased by the women in his life. Little Robert Burns models, speaking the lines of "Tae a Mouse" while a little mouse scurries around his legs, could compete with the best dolls and action men.

Furthermore, with a good merchandising manager, it could have gone much further than that. "Tae a Mouse" is rather anonymous (if you'll excuse the play on words). If he had been given a name like Monty the Mouse, and the name got patented think of the profits from Monty the Mouse cuddly toys, action dolls and computer games - Save Monty the Mouse's house  before it gets destroyed by the evil ploughman. Even Monty the Mouse Ploughman's lunches.

Come to think of it, it could have been even better than that! If  the mouse had been called, wait for it, Mickey,  just think of the ramifications for entertainment in the western world . Makes you think doesn't it? I can just imagine the newspaper headlines.

Robert Burns Has Mickey Mouse and Walt Dis nae

Tae a Password

It's strange, isn't it how sometimes, fate intervenes. I was about to add a post about "Tae a Meerkat", knowing how many of you, are so keen to hear it - but couldn't sign on  to the blog site - trouble with my login password. I'm sure most of you have faced the same problem - and sadly, it gets much worse as you grow older.

So, just like Robert Burns wrote "Tae  a Mouse" when he disturbed its little nest , as he was working in the field, in 1785, I was inspired by these circumstance, to write "Tae a Password".

Tae a Password

My heart is fu' o' deep forbode
Wee password, you, yestreen, I know'd
But noo forgotten, oh my Goad,
Withoot a doot
If I should get you rang once mair,
I'll be locked oot

On helpline, to some Indian brother
I'll try tae tak' the problem futher
But we'll nae understand each other,
Wi' accents strong
And password-less, I'll start to write,
One mair sad song

Oh wid that God, some day could hand us
Translatin' phones, that some day land  us
A way, so helplines understand us,
God make it soon!
But till that day arrives, ma password,
 I'll write doon

It doesn't quite have the pathos of the original "Tae a Mouse", but you can't have everything - unless you're Simon Cowell

The Scottish Referendum

Well here we are again - I expect that you're full of admiration for the poetic brilliance of "Tae a Curry" and have been quoting it non-stop for the past twenty four hours!

Anyway, rather than go straight to "Tae a Meerkat", I just thought I should talk about the Scottish Referendum. It has always been stated that the two greatest Scottish poets, Robert Burns and Sir Walter Scott would be at different ends of the spectrum when it comes to nationalism - with Burns calling for freedom and Scott defending the union. However, I'm not so sure, and I'll tell you why.

A number of years I was on a business outing to the  Middlesex Rugby Sevens  at Twickenham, and since there was quite a big number of us, we decided to have a sweepstake determined by the winning team. We drew out the names of all the teams, and based on the law of averages I drew an English team (I think there was only one Scottish team) Anyway, to cut a long story short, the final was to be determined between the Scottish team and the English team I had drawn out for the sweepstake.

What a quandary! My heart said that I should support the Scottish team, but my head said otherwise. So, I cheered on my English team - they won and I won the sweepstake. It was definitely a case of pocket over passion!

Now, if Burns were alive today, he would probably face the same quandary. He might be a passionate nationalist - but he would also, as a farmer,  be receiving large amounts of money in subsidies from the EEC. If Scotland goes independent and therefore leaves the EEC, he probably would lose these subsidies.

What a quandary - however, as a true Scot, I'm inclined to believe that the financial case would be more compelling than the excitement of breaking away from the rest of Britain. I think he would probably vote no - to stay together. But what do you think?

Tae a Curry

You're back, are you? Or maybe this is your  first visit, and you just wanted to start at the second post. - a bit weird eh? Anyway, since yesterday, I've spent some time thinking about what Burns would make of the world we currently live in, and have been inspired (?) to produce a version of the poem I mentioned yesterday. (If you've started at post 2 you won't have a clue what I'm talking about - so it would be better to read yesterday's post and come back)

Anyway without any further ado hear is my guess at how Robert Burns would now write "Tae a Curry"

Tae a Curry (by Ian Rae under the influence of Robert Burns)

Oh great big plate o' spicy curry
I'll no forget you in a hurry
Tho' in the loo, I might just worry at whit I've done
There'e no anither dish compares noo', 'neath the sun

You may be rich and awfu' fatty
But served up wi' some nice Basmati
Or even wi a wee chipatti, I crave each bite
And tho' I'm bound to get the skitters that's  a' right

And when to wife back hame I stagger
Wi' doggie bag and cans o' lager
And curry breath enough to gag her, withoot a doot
She yells "you're drunk" and slams the door and locks me oot

Is that enough to make me famous 250 years from now - I doubt it - and by the way, spell check doesn't seem to be very impressed with my prowess either - however, I bet you can't wait for "Tae a Meerkat"- but you'll just have to

First Thoughts

Ok then, just tell me why you're reading this? Could you be an avid follower of Robert Burns' poetry and songs, and  hoping to increase your knowledge? If so tough - you won't learn much here! Maybe it's just that the TV is so boring (with back to back soaps and reality shows) that in desperation you've arrived here. Well perhaps my idea for a new show "Strictly Come Try Brain Surgery" would appeal -  the loser always finishes up having a lobotomy administered by the winning contestant - though perhaps not.

The bottom line is that this blog is not so much about thoughts about Robert Burns, as about me imagining how Robert Burns would deal with modern life in 2014. Would, instead of writing "Tae a Haggis" would he be agonising over "Tae a Curry"; Instead of "Tae a Moose" would he be influenced by TV advertising and write "Tae a Meerkat" -they seem far more amusing than mice (Mickey and Minnie excluded) Or would he be so busy chatting to girls on his Aye Phone that he doesn't have enough time to write anything....?

So that's it. If you're still reading this, please return to for the next fascinating instalment. If you're not reading this I might as well stop now......

Oh, by the way if you are an avid follower of Robert Burns you might as well visit my web site www.RobertBurnsSongs.co.uk It's got to be more interesting than "Strictly Come Try Brain Surgery"

Though maybe not......